RPats and His Brooding Glossies

"Gran Torino doesn't start for another hour and a half. Let's go to Borders."

[I should interject here that Gran Torino is a fabulous movie. Truly. Despite the fact that it wins the prize for most racial slurs in one movie. These slurs actually characterize and enhance the movie, despite the understandable shock you might feel until you see it in context...)

We walk into Borders next door, heading straight to the magazines. Little did we know this section would inspire a glorious new creation that we fondly refer to as RPats. Yes, we stole Carolina's nickname for Rob Pattinson, to differentiate our version of him from the Real Rob Pattinson.

Or maybe not.

Me: "Hugh Jackman is on the cover of SEX!"

Walt: Jeanne, I'm pretty sure that's SFX, not sex."

Me: Well, what do they expect me to think when his head looks like it's covering up the bottom of the E! And look at Wolverine! It's a logical jump, you know."

I find two magazines with Hugh Jackman gracing the cover - one as X-Men's Wolverine and another as himself, but still touting the movie, which is set to Premiere in Australia on April 29th. Or maybe the 30th. Either way, you can be certain that we'll be in the midnight showing of the movie, due to Walt's love of all things Xmen and my adoration for Mr. Jackman.

I look to Mel and ask her if she thinks that the GQ that Rob Pattinson debuted on in Carolina's video blog to us ("Oh my gosh!") is still out. I think she sent that video with that magazine at least a month ago.

We get lucky. There is one copy left.

I debate for a while between the Hugh Jackman magazines, since they are both over 10AUD, and end up getting SFX, as well as the RPats GQ. Wally discovers on the way home that it's a Science Fiction Magazine, hence SFX.

I sit on the tram, heading back to the hostel, thumbing through the GQ magazine, blinded by RPats' brooding glossies. The article itself promises to be interesting, as Rpats comes across as oddly-entertaining (and typically drunk?) individual.

Me: "Oh my gosh. No way."

I begin to read aloud, on this midnight tram through downtown Melbourne, to Mel and Walt this incredible story contained within the article.

I promise to God that this story is in the article, and I'm not exaggerating a single bit.

Apparently, Rpats only recently came across a microwave. For the first time, ever. In an LA hotel room, of all places. The article claims that he's been going to grocery stores, constantly and incessantly scanning the shelves for anything microwavable.

OH MY GOSH.

If Rpats were from Africa, or Hells' Kitchen, or the Outback, then I could understand and truly appreciate his admiration for such an invention.

This man is an ACTOR who has grown up in Britain, who has been on many sets, and, I assume, numerous hotel rooms.

And he's never seen a microwave?

There are other ridiculous stories in this article, as well, which only emphasize my opinion that RPats is ridiculously ignorant. Or Ignorantly Ridiculous.

Or a liar. But the article begins by stating that Rpats has no capacity to lie (honestly.)

Pretty soon, we have created our own Rpats, based on this article.

And his personality is very in tune with the microwave story.

Wally is driving us down the Great Ocean Road as we discuss this article further. He describes, in great detail, the voice he pictures RPats having.

There is a character in the movie Australia who is an old drunk guy in the bar of Darwin. One of his lines is "She's no lady, Ivan. She just drove a mob of cattle across the Never Never! She deserves a drink like any man."

(Click that link for a video clip of the character/actor.)

Walt has thus determined that Rpats accent is very similar to this (I think this is what he thinks of when he thinks British), except younger and a bit less drunk.

And as we continue across the great Victorian state, he acclaims (in this accent):
"I've been sewing all my clothing together, in an attempt to make an enormous parachute. I say, Wolvie, How tall is your house?!"

To explain the Wolverine/Jackman reference would waste even more of your precious time - which you won't forgive me for - so just understand that he's talking to Hugh Jackman, but he calls him Wolverine. Despite the fact that Hugh has corrected him multiple times.

Melissa and I rock with laughter, clearly.

As you would, had you heard it.

This quote begins an entire collection, which we are expanding as we speak. Anytime that there is a ridiculous question, topic of conversation, or thought, one of us (usually Walt or Mel) assume the old-timey British accent and make a ridiculous statement. I've noticed that they can tend to revolve around 'new' inventions. New to RPats, that is.

Here is another example:
"I hear that they store sea animals in this wondrous contraption called an "aquarium". I've been thinking of installing one in my attic! Though I don't know where to get the water... But I might have my roof removed and simply collect the rain!"

We've also sent Rpats fishing for koala bears, writing to Nasa for a space pencil to connect the star dots, and pondering the fact that an orange is both a color AND a fruit.

I must admit that I'm a bit concerned at the potential of meeting Rob Pattinson some day. I'm not entirely sure that I WANT to now, because I worry that his accent and his personality will be disappointing.

RPats, welcome to Enlightenment in Australia. Meet MJW.